To Smile When Your Heart Isn't

Most of the time, when you hold eye contact and keep smiling, the stares of confusion and glares transform into smiles and sometimes giggles. But many times that transformation takes a long time and the discomfort and feelings of rejection remain. Many times it's just a quick passing - not quite long enough to change the stares into smiles and those are hard. The smiles and the many people I've built closer relationships and bonds with have made me feel extremely welcome, accepted and loved. It's very strange to feel such a mix of acceptance and rejection. Although it's hard, it's also very humbling. It's a good reminder of why I came here in the first place. I didn't come here to 'feel good', my initial motivation for coming was to volunteer and to serve. I knew I was going to be quite uncomfortable and I knew it was going to be hard. That's part of the point in coming. How hard and in what ways, I had no clue.

Andrea and I went into the villages with Manasi today to monitor the exam process for finalizing the new staff of the routine immunization program we are implementing. For some reason today going into the villages effected me in a way that they haven't before. I think it might be because last week we were in touristy areas outside the villages.

I'm reading a book right now that I got as a gift before I left. It's about Mother Teresa and the darkness she felt while working with the poorest of the poor in Calcutta. She talked about the struggle to appear joyful on the outside when she was struggling and hurting so much inside - how hard it was to smile when her heart was breaking. I feel as though to a very small extent, I understand.

To smile when you look into the eyes of a child who might not survive the year or even the week. To smile when you see the rib cage of every child you see in the villages. To smile when you realize that one latte from Starbucks is equal to about 4 days of hard work for a rickshaw driver. To smile when you look into the eyes of someone who is very sick and in a lot of pain. To smile when you are holding a 2 month old baby who is having a hard time breathing. To smile when you think of home and all the people you miss and love the most. To smile when you're scared, uncomfortable or sad. To smile when you feel completely helpless. To smile when your heart is breaking. To smile at a child who has no family. To smile in the face of all this...I feel that only with God's grace I can.